Trials and Tribulations
When we arrived we were very excited about our new adventure. The first few weeks were full of exploration and fun. After that, culture shock set in and we were miserable. Sean was miserable in school, Sophie was going to a pre-school an hour away from our apartment, and I was lonely and constantly frustrated at how different it is out here. Scott did the best by far but that was because he was at work all day and has an assistant that speaks English. But, Scott did the right thing by listening to all our complaints and doing everything in his power to ensure we didn’t give up on Shanghai.
My biggest frustration was grocery shopping. Our Ayi did the local shopping mainly fruits, vegetables and meats and I did everything else. I remember I couldn’t find coffee or a coffee maker when we first arrived. This set me way over the edge. I’ve since switched to tea, it’s so much easier to find tea in China! Going to the supermarket was a chore in itself. The Chinese customs dictate that if you are not directly behind the person in front of you in the check-out line, they have the right to cut in front of you. If you leave your cart for any length of time, they have the right to take the things out of your cart and steal it. They also have the right to bump carts with you to make you move for them or just because they want to pass you or as I like to say they just don’t like Americans. We are in their country so you have to respect that. I am now proficient with the shopping cart and haven’t been ditched in line in about a year.
Another problem for us was lack of back yard and friends down the street. In American we live in suburbia, USA on a cul-de-sac with lots and lots of kids. Here we live in a high rise with maybe 40% of the occupants that even speak English much less have children. We could have lived closer to school where everything is a little more western but chose to dive right in and live the culture. I’m glad we did this now but at the time I was furious and the kids had a hard time as well. Now we find plenty to do here.
Advice
Take a cultural training course before arriving. We used Gordon and Associates. They did a great job for us and continue to help when needed.
Don’t worry about learning how to speak Mandarin yet. Wait until you get here and can hear and practice whenever you’d like. If you have no interest in learning Mandarin don’t worry too much. I’d just get an Ayi and Driver that speak a little English to help you out. Your Ayi will cook, clean and do laundry for you and your family. We have a Shanghainese Ayi that does just fine for us. I wanted the family to learn Mandarin so I made sure she didn’t know how to speak English. It has been fun learning from her. Many Ayi’s in Shanghai do speak a lot of English as well. My friend, Lena sent her Ayi to school for English lessons and this worked out perfectly for them as now they have a translator whenever they need one.
Our driver has lots and lots of experience driving expats around town. Make sure to get a qualified driver that knows how to get to places fast and safely.
The first 6 months for us was very difficult. New smells, food, serious language barriers and no Target Shopping Centers were very hard on us. Be patient and give it at least 6 months before you give up and go home. Many spouses have a very hard time when moving to a new country. Be sure you communicate with each other and respect the challenges one another faces with the move. It’s important that you listen to each other and console each other when needed. This goes for your children as well.
Last and the most important is take advantage of your spare time. I know back home, I spent way too much time cleaning the house, grocery shopping, cooking and driving the kids around town. Here I have someone else to do all of these things. Take time to enroll in a few courses through the Expat Learning Center, or create a website of your travels or become fluent in Mandarin, start your own business, the possibilities are endless! There are so many opportunities out here that you do not have at home, take advantage of them.
Welcome to Shanghai
Another challenge for me was having a driver. At first I thought this was great, as I wouldn’t have to worry about learning how to drive in a new country, but what really happens is you loose all independence and spontaneity. Remember, we went from having two cars to having one car. If we go anywhere, first I need to plan it with my driver making sure I’m ready at the agreed upon time then make sure Scott doesn’t need him, then communicate with him where I want to go. This caused major tension in the family at the beginning. Now, I’ve learned I can walk to most places if I need something urgent. And, every store has a card written in Chinese and English. I show him the card and he takes me to the store. Between his limited English and my limited Mandarin we seem to manage just fine.
After the culture shock period we decided we needed a plan for our stay in Asia. Our plan was to live our daily lives as frugally as possible, diving into the much more cost efficient Chinese foods and watching our wallets and using any additional funds for travel. This was the smartest thing we’ve done. Our experiences have been off the charts amazing and totally unexpected. I spend way too much time planning these trips but my time is worth it when we arrive and get to ride elephants on a safari up a gorgeous mountain overlooking the beach, or slide down a 5 story ice slide in northern China, or run the Great Wall Marathon, or learn how Buddhism started and what it means to the people that practice it, or see an entire army of Terracotta Warriors unearthed from over 2000 years ago built to protect the first emperor of China during the afterlife. I could go on forever. All in all, I'm thankful for our opportunity here but at the same time miss an awful lot of our friends, family, and daily life in America. Living the expat life has many, many ups and downs, probably more downs than ups so traveling offsets the many difficulties living here.
Another saving grace for us was that we kept our home in North Carolina. We go home every summer to re-connect with friends and family. This time of the year is actually our favorite.